ep 50: How To Forgive Yourself For Cheating (And Why That's Not Actually What You Need)
I was Googling at three o'clock in the morning how to forgive myself for cheating. And if only it had been as simple as Google giving me a list and then everything being right with the world. But it wasn't, and the truth is, self-forgiveness wasn't actually the thing that set me free.
That might be uncomfortable to hear, because right now, forgiveness is probably the thing you want most. You want to forgive yourself, you want your partner to forgive you, and then you want to be able to move on and get on with the rest of your life. I get it. I wanted exactly the same thing.
But here's what I know now: skipping from the pain of betrayal straight to forgiveness means missing the rich, brutal, beautiful journey of self-discovery that this pain is actually calling you towards. And in this episode I want to tell you what that journey actually looked like for me (including the moment I met a three-and-a-half-year-old version of me, standing in my nan's lounge, and realised I had been living my entire life from a story I made up in that moment)
This is the episode I wish someone had played me when I was in the pits of it.
In this episode, we explore:
Why self-forgiveness isn't the goal, and what actually is
What I mean when I say the affair is calling you home to yourself
Why I thought I'd had a perfect childhood, and what happened when my coach pushed me to look closer
The story of being three and a half years old, getting lost on the way to the park, and the decision my nervous system made in my nan's lounge that ran my entire life
How that one moment created a survival strategy of perfectionism, needlessness, and putting everyone else first - and how that strategy led directly to the affair
The difference between understanding a wound and actually healing it, and why going over it in your mind doesn’t work
What inner child and parts work actually looks like in practice, and why it's different from anything psychotherapy has given you
What happened as I started to meet those young parts of myself, the joy, the opening, the aliveness
Why women coming through the Healed Heart ask me towards the end: is it bad that I don't feel the guilt and shame anymore?
What thriving actually feels like, and why this pain is the invitation into it
The first step I'd recommend if you're right in the middle of it right now
Resources mentioned:
The Aftermath Survival Guide (free) — your first step: https://www.alexcroxford.com/free-resources
The Sanctuary — my private monthly community for women in the aftermath: https://www.alexcroxford.com/the-sanctuary
1:1 Coaching — fully personalised six-month work with me: https://www.alexcroxford.com/1-to-1-coaching
