ep 29: Living With What I Did
After an affair, there is the rupture itself, and then there is what comes after.
The part no one really talks about, the months or years of living inside what you’ve done.The self-surveillance. The guilt. The fear. The loss of who you thought you were.
In this episode, I speak honestly about the internal experience of living with the aftermath of my betrayal. The tension in my body, the pain in my chest I didn’t realise was anxiety, the constant bracing, self-punishment, and pretending I was fine while everything inside me was falling apart.
I share the confusing truth that was hardest to hold: that I loved my husband, and I still caused him harm. And that the affair wasn’t about him not being good enough, or wanting to leave, but about a deep hunger to feel alive, chosen, and connected again.
This episode is about the loss of identity that can follow betrayal. About looking in the mirror and not knowing who you are anymore. And about why punishment, hatred, and relentless self-judgment don’t create accountability…they only deepen the disconnection.
In this episode, we explore:
What it’s actually like to live with what you’ve done, long after the affair has ended
The emotional contradiction of loving someone deeply and still betraying them
Why self-punishment feels necessary, and why it slowly erodes your sense of self
How anxiety, bracing, and chest pain can be the body carrying unprocessed guilt and fear
The difference between accountability and endlessly berating yourself
Why trying to “forget and move on” often makes things worse
Why insight alone isn’t enough when your nervous system is in survival
What allowed my body to finally soften, and why being held mattered more than understanding what had happened.
If this episode landed
If you recognised yourself in the bracing and the exhaustion.If you’re feeling like you don’t deserve rest, softness, or support until you’ve suffered enough.
That matters.
The Sanctuary is an ongoing, gentle space for women in the aftermath of their own betrayal who are tired of holding everything together on their own.
It exists for the woman who is doing “all the right things” but still feels tight, disconnected, and alone inside. For the woman who needs somewhere her body can finally exhale.
Inside The Sanctuary, you’re not asked to explain yourself, justify what happened, or earn your place by being forgiven.
You are held where you are, while learning how to stay connected to yourself, regulate your nervous system, and live with responsibility without self-abandonment.
You don’t have to do this part alone anymore.
Click here to discover more
@iamalexcroxford
